


When Will I Find Peace?

by rrajaniemi



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:32:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4695761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rrajaniemi/pseuds/rrajaniemi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gustav loses his grandfather to alcohol abuse, and his cousin to suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Will I Find Peace?

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on my own experiences. Writing helps me get my feelings out. No I'm not suicidal anymore and no I'm not harming myself. I got help for it last year. :)
> 
> If you are feeling suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at: 1-800-273-8255

Goose looked out his bedroom window, tears streaming down his face. Snow was falling and the ground was covered in white. He brushed the salty tears from his eyes and forced himself to get his winter garments and skates on, going out to his backyard pond that was frozen solid from Michigan temperatures. He didn’t bother bringing his stick because he didn’t want to play hockey, he just wanted to skate out his feelings. He hated letting anyone see him cry. 

“Why did this have to happen to me? First my grandfather, and now my cousin!”

He flopped in the cold, soft snow and sobbed, unable to control himself. He felt his phone in his pocket ring several times, but he ignored them. He didn’t care anymore.  
*****************************************************************************************************************  
Hank was becoming more and more worried with every phone call and text that went ignored.

“Gussie, why aren’t you answering your phone? Please, please call me back! I’m worried about you!”

He paced his room, brushing his hair from his face and repeatedly checked his phone for messages.

“Damn it Goose, I’m coming over.”

He grabbed his keys and ran out to his car, started the engine, and made his way to his boyfriend’s house.  
*****************************************************************************************************************  
Goose was getting cold, so he decided to go inside. He felt miserable. His heart had started to slow, but his hands were shaking so hard from crying and sorrow. 

No one will ever know.....

He took off his skates and trudged to the kitchen, pulling out a knife from the knife block, and smoothly raked it across his arm, drawing blood. Cringing at the pain, he continued to cut until he felt too weak to stand. He sat on the couch and quickly pulled down his sleeve when he heard his door being unlocked. Too weak and too upset to care, he didn’t do anything. Just sat there, staring at the blank tv screen. Moments later, he felt warm hands on his shoulders. He slowly turned his head, tear marks staining his cheeks.

“Captain, what are you doing here?”

Hank sat next to him and draped his arm around his shoulders.

“You weren’t answering your phone, so I got worried and came over here.”

Goose forced a smile.

“Don’t be worried about me Zetta. I’m fine.”

Hank gave him a soft, but firm look.

“You’re not ok and I can see as much. You’re hiding something from me.”

Before Goose could react, Hank pulled up the sleeves of his shirt to find them marked and blood stained. He bit his lip and picked him up.

“I can’t let this keep happening to you. I’m finding you a therapist.”

Goose tried to push him away, but Hank was unrelenting. 

“You’re at least going to talk to a doctor about this. You cut deep Gus, you’re going to need stitches.”

Goose started to cry. He hated needles, but most of all, the pain from the scars and the knife were welcome company. He felt it was better than the mental pain. But he was too weak to fight him. He curled in his gentle arms and let himself be carried away. Hank drove him to the nearest hospital.  
***********************************************************************************  
Hank lifted a sleeping Goose out of the car and took him into the hospital’s waiting room. It was sterile, but beautiful. Christmas decorations littered the room and lit up the atmosphere, however little. He went up to the receptionist and filled out the papers before sitting down in a seat with him. Goose whimpered and shivered as the cold air nipped the areas where his bare skin stuck out like a defiant tongue. Hank laid his soft coat over his shivering body and rubbed his back.

“They’re going to take care of you here. And I’m not going to leave your side.”

Within a few minutes, Gus was relaxed and they were escorted into a room. Hank lay him on the bed and covered him with the warm sheets provided. Hank sat in a chair next to him and soothing rubbed his thumb over the back of his boyfriend’s hand. Goose looked up terrified as a nurse came in with a small cart and parked it beside his bed. She didn’t speak, only injected him with a sedative and quickly drew his blood and slid an IV into his arm before leaving.

“Hank….I-I….don’t know…if I can deal with this anymore.”

Hank kissed him gently on the lips and brushed the hair from his face.

“You’re strong. You can get past this, kid. I love you and don’t want to lose you.”

Goose looked over at the IV and watched it with dark eyes as it slowly dripped into his veins.

“I love you too, but no one seems to understand what I’m going through. They all act like it’s no big deal.”

Hank let that soak in for a minute, thinking about it.

“It’s hard to lose someone you’re close to. I lost my dad and it still hurts like hell. But I’ve found the strength and courage to move on. You can too. But you’re not going to be alone.”

Goose looked back at him and Hank could see the spark starting to come back to his eyes.

“You just have to stop blaming yourself. None of it was your fault.”

Gus didn’t say a word, but he didn’t have to. Hank knew he was thinking it over, and that’s just what he needed to do.  
******************************************************************  
The next morning was a blur at practice. So many questions were asked, little answered. Gus was in his usual happy state, trying to hide the pain from his teammates. He was good at it. Too good. Hank finally decided something needed to be said. That night at the game, their beloved captain skated to the middle of the rink and took off his helmet in respect.

“I would just like to take this time to have a moment of silence for all of those who struggle with depression. I know several people who have it and who are struggling with it every day. I want everyone to close their eyes and I’d like for those people to stand up. Only the team will see who stands. We do not judge, we are here to help.”

Everyone became quiet and closed their eyes. One by one, people started to stand until a quarter of the stadium was standing. He resumed.

“Thank you for having the courage to silently share your story. Everyone may be seated and open your eyes.”

They went back to their original state, but remained silent. He skated over to Gustav and wrapped his arms around him, letting him cry into his shoulder.

“Everyone can get help. Please don’t hesitate, and know that people love you too much to see you hurting.”

The game didn’t resume that night. Instead everyone remained silent for the duration of the 2 hours, a few weeping into relative’s shoulders, or exchanging email addresses to those who needed someone to talk to. Tonight was the night many people’s lives were saved, with the power of a few words.


End file.
